The Art of Being Useless

Being useless to men changed my life. As women, when we love someone, our first instinct is to nurture them. We do things for them, we make their lives easier. We solve problems before they even become problems. We think that if we're selfless enough, they will appreciate us more and become more attached to us. But psychology suggests the opposite. My friend was the perfect example. She made breakfast for him every morning, took the trash out. She thought every act of service was increasing her value in the relationship. What she didn't realise was that every task was increasing her investment in him and not his. Researchers call this the Benjamin Franklin effect. When people do favours for someone, they end up liking that person more, as their brain subconsciously tries to justify the effort. If I'm willing to do this for someone, then they must be valuable. My friend thought that every breakfast, every phone call, every inconvenience she was helping her boyfriend with was making him love her more. And psychologically, that was making her more attached to him. I think a lot of women, including myself, accidentally do the same thing. We become so focused on proving our value that we eliminate any opportunity for him to prove his.