Post by @nonadilylah

I knew this had to be done, but oh how much I hate it. I saw things I had forgotten I had. I saw the “bracelet” they put on you in the mortuary so they could identify you. There are some images I just can’t get out of my head. It doesn’t get easier. Seeing your toys again. Holding your jackets. Shoes you never wore because they were still too big for you. I kept almost everything. I only threw out 2 jackets and a blanket, because they were in bad shape. I kept everything for when I maybe have a daughter again in the future. I beg that I’m stronger than I am right now. I can’t hold it together. You were my whole world. I already didn’t have much, but I had you. I hate life. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I hate myself. I regret so many things. The guilt eats me alive. I have a little sister now. She passed the age you were. She is now 2 years old. I left a few books, 1 toy, your bike, and some stuffed animals aside for her to play with when she comes over. I hope that’s okay. It’s hard to see her, but it also sort of heals me. I brought everything else to my shed. It’s safe in there. I’m in EMDR therapy now for multiple traumas, but also for losing you. There isn’t a single day when I don’t think about you. It broke my heart to pull your little bag out of that box. I bought that for you for when you would go to school, when you would turn 4 years old. I saw the clothes you wore on our vacation again. The swimwear you wore at the beach. The toys you played with in our hotel room. It makes me sick. I wish we were together right now. I wish we lived here together in my new home. You will never come back again, and it’s really hard to think about that. You will never come back again while I’m alive. I have to live without you. But how??? How do I live with grief? How do I get my life together again? I have no idea. I wish I could have known you much more. I read the book your teachers made for me about what you did every day when I was at work. They gave it to me when they heard you had passed away. And then it really hit me, because I saw that the book ended on the last day you went there. A few days before you passed away. That’s the last page of your book. The end. But that wasn’t just the end of the book. It was the end of your life. I miss you so much, Yas, and I don’t know what to do. There is nothing I can do. I’m surrounded by so many people. So many friends. Why do I feel so damn alone when it comes to you? When it comes to grief? It’s like only my therapist kind of understands it, but not really. She just knows what to say. It does help tho. Sometimes it feels like I’m going crazy. Grief made me different. It was hard to go through these boxes, but fortunately, my boyfriend helped me get through it. You don’t know him, but I know you would have loved him. He is really good with kids and he really helps me get through everything. I just want you to know that I will never forget you. I love you more than anything. And I miss you so damn much, Yasmin. I hate grief with my whole soul. I wish we could just hug, or laugh or do nothing together. I’m so sorry. Mama 🧸🤍 #CapCut