Post by @nonadilylah

I don’t even know what to say. You would’ve turned 4 years old today Yasmin. You would’ve gone to school at this age. I don’t have the words to describe this feeling. It’s like i’m dying every day again, again and again, go to sleep and wake up again in this nightmare. How am i dying, while i’m still alive? Why? All i can think is why, why, why? I think about you all the time. I miss you every second of the day. I think about you every minute. Some things distract me from the pain. It’s like i can finally take a break for a minute from the pain. Then grief comes again. It always comes whenever it wants. I failed as your mom and it haunts me every day. I was just a kid, i didn’t know how to be a mom, cause my mom was a monster. I didn’t have an example cause my parents weren’t there. I had to do it all alone. I wish i had done so many things differently. Maybe you would still be here then. I regret so many things and it haunts me. Sometimes when i think too long about it, i go crazy or have a panic attack. Sometimes i just zone out in the middle of conversations. Sometimes when i play football, the thought of you being dead comes up and i just stand there in the middle of the field. I dont know how i’ll ever have kids again when i’m older, because everything reminds me of you….. People dont understand grief and it’s the loneliest thing i’ve ever experienced and i’ve experienced a lot of things. I would give anything for a hug even if it was just 10 seconds. Just 1 hug. I want to feel your lil arms around me again. I want to hear your laugh. I want to hear your lil feet, walking around in the room. You just learned how to walk. After you died, i changed. I’ll never be the same again. A lot of things don’t matter anymore. I look at life differently now. It could all end today. I care more about the people around me. I love harder. But i’m also scared that my loved ones will die. I don’t want to fight with my loved ones, because what if they die tomorrow??? I don’t let people cross my boundaries anymore or ruin my peace. I cut them off. Since you’re gone, i notice that a lot of people make a problem about nothing. People worry too much about things that don’t really matter. It all doesn’t really matter anymore when you lose your whole world. I got the best friends right now, the best bestfriend and the sweetest boyfriend and i just know you would love them. Everything reminds me of you. I cant look at little kids outside. It hurts when i look at them, cause all i see is you. I can’t handle babies screaming in the grocery shop or at the sideline of the football field. It’s like my body travels back in time to when i heard your first scream when i gave birth and i have to cover my ears. I worry about the future. I’m scared to die, cause now i realise we really never, ever come back again in this lifetime. People don’t talk about death. People don’t know what to say or ask when you’re grieving. Not only strangers or friends but also relatives. I don’t have contact anymore with my “family”, only my siblings and lil nieces and cousins. I cut everyone off after they left me alone when you died. They werent there for me when i was a kid, they werent there when you were born, but somehow they showed up when the funeral came? Then after that they disappeared again. That’s not what i call family. I have friends now, who i call family. They mean everything to me. They care about me. They love me. I wish you were here. All i can say is that im so so so sorry. I will always carry you with me. You’re in my heart and in my head 24/7. I also got a tattoo now for you. My first one. You’re always with me Yasmin. Im so sorry and i love you so much. You didn’t deserve this. You’re genuinely the most gorgeous baby i’ve ever seen. You’re so incredibly cute. Im sorry for not visiting your grave. Its really really hard to face reality. That you’re laying there under the ground. Even the thought makes me sick. I’m so sorry Yas. I love you xx Mama🩷🩷🩷🩷