Things to avoid in Michigan

As someone born and raised in Michigan, here are three things you should always avoid as a Michigan resident. Number one, if you're at a microbrewery and you see a drink that has a vegetable in it, it might sound cool, it might sound unique, don't get it. It's going to taste like somebody shoved a jalapeño down your throat and squeezed the lemon into your jowls. Number two, if you're in the boonies and you're going somewhere you're not super familiar with, do not let Apple Maps take you down a road that looks shitty. It will be shitty. No bullshit, Apple Maps tried to literally drive me into a lake one time. Number three and final, if you're driving through a city in Michigan, something kind of small, like a Kalamazoo, Grand Rapids, maybe a Battle Creek, and you start to feel like you're in Hiroshima, buildings look bombed out, you're seeing abandoned factories, don't worry. Just picture this: in three to five years, a microbrewery will be selling a jalapeño drink there. No need to be afraid.