The instructions I have to give to Bean's dog-sitters

When you first meet him, just ignore him. Don't look at him or talk to him, or else he will think you're a threat. Once you ignore him long enough, he will be comfortable with you, and if he ever gets uncomfortable again, just give him some sort of obedience command. He loves training, so it makes him instantly happy and forget why he was uncomfortable in the first place. He wants to be warm at all times, so you have to have on the... Okay, we'll get to that one in a second. He likes to be very close to you. He will try to go inside your mouth. He will try to lick inside your mouth, he will try to take food out of your mouth. Just push him off of you. But if you don't let him smell your mouth when you first meet, he will not trust you. Now, he likes to be hot, so you have to have the fireplace on or his heating pad, so that he can go lay near one of those and be warm whenever he chooses. He also does not like the phone, so if you FaceTime anyone or call anyone, he will try to steal your phone from you. He loves socks. He will steal your socks. He will steal any belongings if you bring a bag, he will investigate it. So just be mindful, close your bag. He will want to be on top of you at all times and cuddle with you at all times. However, do not ever try to pick him up or act like you're going to pick him up, because if you touch his stomach, he will squeal and piss himself. He likes to burrow, so he will try to hide and sleep under pillows. If you sit on the couch without checking, you might sit on him, and he will freak out. He will stare at you like this sometimes, and you will have no idea what he wants because you will have fed him, taken him out, played with him and everything, and he'll just stare at you. His favorite game is hide-and-seek. He will not play with any of his toys. He just wants to play hide-and-seek, and if you do not play with him, he will start aggressively humping you.