And I just keep telling myself.. there is no way this is actually happening

One of the hardest parts about signing a DNR for your child is watching those numbers constantly and knowing there’s nothing you can do to stop what’s coming. I sat there all night holding my baby, watching the numbers drop, not knowing if this was going to be the moment I had been dreading. I cried and cried, not because of me, but because of him. Because this is so unbelievably unfair. No child should have to go through this. Anticipatory grief is something I never truly understood until I lived it. It’s waking up every day wondering if today is the day. It’s living in a constant state of panic, fear, and heartbreak for months, never knowing if you have hours, days, or months left. The doctors and nurses have suggested that I turn the monitor off and stop watching the numbers. They tell me it might bring me some peace. But I can’t bring myself to do it. Every part of me needs to know. Every part of me wants to be there for every second. This life is so incredibly unfair.💔