How to Buy Groceries in France

Today we're going to French Costco, aka the Auchan. If you forgot your cart coin, you might as well just turn around and go home. I used to think that all French grocery stores were bespoke little shops where everyone judges you. But here in the south, we have hypermarkets where everybody also judges you. How big is it? Well, this is the rosé aisle. Just the rosé aisle. I'm a disgusting American, so I go right to the world produce section to buy American staples like Wild West beef jerky and Incredible Burger sauce and a big old jug of American sauce, which I read the back, I don't really know what this is supposed to be, ketchup? Whatever, I'm stocking up on peanut butter. I'm obsessed with the fact that the most popular sugar brand in France is called Daddy. You know, like sugar daddy. For some reason, Mexican food is classified as ethnic product. The French can't tolerate even a smidgen of spice, so the options are original mild, extra mild, and teriyaki. But this is the only place in France I've ever found black beans. And over in the salad sauces, I spotted a gold mine of Cholula. I gotta take all of these. These are rare, my friends. No matter what grocery store you go to in France, you always have to weigh and price your own produce. If you do not, when you get to the front of the checkout line, they will send you all the way back to the store to do it yourself, and everyone's going to go, "Oh la la," and you're going to feel like a big idiot. So no matter how bad these machines are, and I keep messing this up, the touchscreen is terrible, just do it, trust me. Get the sticker on there, that's how you do it. You're not going to believe me, but French people eat yogurt every single day. Let's go through the sections. We've got plain yogurt, white yogurt, mini yogurt, yogurt with fruit, Greek yogurt, diet yogurt. You thought that was it? No, there's so much more. Probiotic yogurt, something called bifidus yogurt. I don't know what bifidus is. We've got fruit flavored yogurt, yogurt on a bed of fruit, yogurt with fruit pieces inside, goat yogurt, sheep yogurt, soy yogurt, vegetarian yogurt, drinkable yogurt. And don't even get me started on the mousses. What else you want to see me? We've got chicken, quail, rabbit, duck. You want horse? We got horse. Don't be weird about it, it's a cultural thing. I'm just going to stick with the roast chicken, though. It's been an hour and at this point I'm in a fugue state. I'm losing my grip on reality. Should I buy this watermelon floaty toy? Do I know anyone who needs donkey milk body lotion? And what is going on with Oops! magazine? I gotta get out of here. Made it under budget with 100 euro worth of groceries. I stumble out into the sunlight and feel the fresh air on my face. I retrieve my 50 cents from the grocery cart and with that, I've done it. Now I just gotta hope these groceries last me till next week when I do it all over again.