when being wanted feels like a threat

You know how Florence the machine opens on other songs with the lines. What are the things to admit that when someone looks at me with real love? I don't like it very much. Kind of makes me feel like I'm being crushed. If you're an elder child or a paranoid child, there's a reason why being pursued feels like a threat. And also why you might romanticize tropes like friends to lovers, enemies to lovers. When you were growing up, you learn that being of service and being useful is how you got love. And there's a lot of amazing content about how to address that when you're in a relationship. But I want to talk about before you even get to that point. When someone shows interest in you, it can feel like they want you to do something or that they want something from you rather than just wanting you. That fear makes total sense because in your head that person doesn't know you. And your brain flashes forward to seven months from now when you're doing a whole lot of emotional and physical labor for that person. The question is how is anyone going to know the full version of you if you have that wall up so high. It's why friends to lovers and enemies to lovers as tropes and fantasy are so appealing to people because you just get to exist as two separate individuals and then you eventually one day magically realize you're into each other. But here's what I remind myself. I have something called agency and I actually don't have to fall into that pattern unless I every day make the decision too. It doesn't have to be this lifelong commitment, but again it's easy to understand why your brain thinks of it that way because if you associate with your caregivers, you're like this is a relationship. I'm in for life. Romantic relationships are not like that. Now that you're an adult, a relationship isn't going to give you safety, security and the line, it's going to give you oxytocin, which is great, but you can get that elsewhere. So if you stop thinking of your heart like a castle that you have to defend. It's more like a very cool club that everyone wants access to and you have the best bouncer in town. You can let someone in, but once that person acts up, they're gone. And then once you get past that initial stage, there's other tactics to kind of let go of that responsibility that you wear. But that's another video. If this helps something click into place for you, hi, I'm Sahar. I'm recovering elder daughter, people pleaser, perfectionist. I help you entangle your head and heart so you can understand yourself better. And the best part is I do it through fandom and media that you already love. So if you're ready to let go of some of that responsibility and burden, you were handed very young. Please stick around.