How to deal with emotional abuse

I am Amelia. I hope you see this video. I have been thinking about your video all day as I know a lot of people have been and I wanted to say I am so sorry that you are going through this intense emotional abuse from your mother. I have been in a similar situation myself with a father who told me that he hated me because I was gay. He told me there was nothing good about me, that when I did good things for other people, I was only doing it to manipulate them. It was very intense and very difficult to deal with and it is really hard not to get sucked into that vortex of someone else's unhappiness and abusive behavior. I am loath to talk about your body because I feel like talking about it suggests that if you were 30 stone, perhaps it would be justifiable to talk to you in that way. That kind of behavior is never justifiable. It is never okay to talk to somebody in the way that your mother is speaking to you. But just for the benefit of everyone else, I just want to show you who that woman is talking to. This is not just a body that is not overweight. This is an unusually healthy and strong body. And the reason I wanted to show everyone your body, Amelia, is to emphasize the fact that the way your mother is talking to you is not about your physical state. It is about her emotional state. This weirdly has nothing to do with you, Amelia. You are not involved or part of what your mother is going through. I want you to remember that. If you were five stone underweight or if you were 35 stone, she would be saying something like this to you because of her emotional state. So, the reason I wanted to make this video is to share some ideas with you about what you can do when you are in that moment with her to try to alleviate the distress that you feel. Because the temptation with an emotional abuser like that is to try to counter them with facts. I always think of flat earthers, you know, you see flat earthers and people will will say to them, yeah, but what about the fact that, you know, the sun rises in such and such a place and what about the Listen, people aren't flat earthers because they don't have good enough information. They're flat earthers because of emotional reasons because somewhere along the line, they learned that they couldn't trust people in authority. Somewhere along the line, they got significance from taking a contrary view. It's not about the factual information. And your mother emotionally abusing you is not about the fact because the fact is obvious for everyone to see that you are healthy and beautiful. What we're actually talking about is an emotional problem and therefore trying to to counter it with with facts or or debates or counter counter arguments won't work because it's an emotional thing. So here's what you can try instead. The first thing to do is to name the pattern out loud. What this does is it puts some distance between you and the emotional intensity of the situation and it makes it clear that your body is not up for debate. So you can try phrases like we're doing that thing again where you comment on my body and I try to prove you wrong. It never actually goes anywhere. I notice that whenever you mention my weight, I start defending myself and then we end up arguing. I don't want to do that anymore. This has become a cycle: you make a comment about my body, I challenge it, and we go back and forth. Can we stop the cycle rather than have the same argument? I'm not going to argue with you about whether my tummy looks big. That conversation isn't helpful to me, and I don't want to participate in it. So you're actually refusing to play the game. Remember, you cannot lose a game that you refuse to play. And these kinds of statements make it clear that you're not going to get involved in playing the game. It's like someone saying, I can beat you at tennis and you're like, I'm sorry, I'm going over there to to go swimming. I'm not playing tennis and then they can't beat you at tennis. The next thing is don't enter into a debate or try to defend yourself because when you defend yourself, you accept the premise that it is acceptable for your mother to comment on your body. The fact is it doesn't matter if you're overweight, it's not acceptable for your mother to use pejorative statements like your your tummy looks like a barrel. That kind of insulting language is never appropriate. Even if it did look like a barrel, it's not acceptable for her to use that kind of language about your body. So don't try and prove her wrong. Don't say things my stomach things like my stomach actually isn't big. Don't try to justify yourself. Don't talk to her about what you've eaten or what you haven't eaten. Don't argue the facts. Instead, reject the premise. I am not discussing my body with you or state the boundary. Please don't comment on my weight. So you're actually shifting the game from am I fat or am I not fat to it is not acceptable for you to comment on my body regardless of whether I'm fat. I cannot emphasize this enough. It doesn't matter if you're fat or not. That is irrelevant. It is about whether somebody is able to put you down about your body or what you eat. The next thing to do is to focus on using I statements. What I statements do is that they avoid talking about the other person guessing about their motives or their drives or their emotional state and you are speaking what what is effectively factual information because your viewpoint is a fact that that is what your view is and it can avoid getting into messy quagmires about no, you misinterpreted what I said or I didn't I didn't think that or you're putting words in my mouth or or anything like that. So instead of, you're always criticizing my body, say something like, I feel hurt when my body is commented on. Instead of, you're obsessed with my weight, say, I don't want to have conversations about my weight. Instead of, you're making me feel insecure, say, I feel more self-conscious when I hear comments about my body. Instead of, you need to stop doing this, say, I need you to stop commenting on my body. The next thing to do is to set a boundary and don't be afraid to repeat the boundary. I once heard someone say and I think it's the best piece of advice ever, your happiness will be in direct proportion to the strength of your boundaries. The clearer you can be with other people about the behavior you will and will not accept, the happier you will be in your life. So, for example, if you say, please don't comment on my weight, your mom says, but I'm only saying, I understand. Please don't comment on my weight. Keep it simple. The simpler and the more repeated, the more effective the message will be. Don't get sucked into, yeah, but yesterday I ate and you didn't eat and you said and I have your boundaries ready in advance, repeat them, be clear, be calm. This will pass. You won't always be in this situation with your mother. I am no longer in that situation with my father and I feel so much better for being out of it. You are young and beautiful with 70,000 followers plus on TikTok. You have a bright future ahead of you and I'm really excited to see what you're going to achieve in your life. So go for it.