Here's more things I wish I knew about dysfunctional families.

Here's more things I wish I knew about dysfunctional families. As someone who went no contact and after the fallout, my life got a lot better. Yeah, crazy. Your parents are not supposed to be making your adult life harder. Let's start with that. You shouldn't be walking on eggshells or running around the house cleaning five minutes before your mom shows up so she doesn't make comments about a home that's just being lived in. You don't owe your parents a degree, a wedding, or grandchildren. Some of them don't even want to see their grandchildren, which is a whole other bag of selfish. When your family talks about you behind your back, that's called triangulation. Amateur people are too scared to talk directly to the person they have a problem with, so they try to control how everyone else sees you. And that's immature. It has nothing to do with you. It's not your fault. They are simply an emotionally underdeveloped person. When you have an argument with one person and suddenly other family members are calling you or texting you trying to get you to apologize, those are called flying monkeys. They don't always even realize that they've been duped by some sick, twisted version of the story where you're somehow the villain. Don't try to convince these people of your side of the story. It's not worth it. These family systems are very sick. They run many generations and many layers deep. Your aunts and uncles and cousins are all playing the same game. You don't feel close to your siblings as adults because your parents made you compete for love as children. You've never really met each other. You've all been so distracted by desperately trying to win mommy and daddy's love which should have been given for free. A big blow up argument followed by everyone pretending like nothing happened means your family is conflict avoidant. All relationships have miscommunication and hurt feelings from time to time, but without repair, there is no relationship. If you tend to overfunction or apologize for silly things and then struggle to say no out of fear of disappointing others, you were likely parentified as a child. You grew up managing your parents' emotions like they were the child and you were the parent. And that's messed up. When your mom goes silent after a big fight, that's not her cooling down, that's manipulation. The silent treatment gives her a sense of control and it works on you because as a kid, she withdrew her love when you needed it most to keep you in line. So if she goes quiet because you said no or held a boundary, don't reach out to comfort her. She's used to people rescuing her when she plays the victim in problems that she created. Here's a big one: your parents' happiness is their responsibility, not yours. If they're retired and have no sense of identity and no friends, that's because the way that they acted their whole life pushed everybody away. When someone acts a certain way toward you in public, but then a different way behind closed doors, believe the private version. Your family shouldn't be making you feel shameful, depressed, embarrassed, or like you're being gossiped about. If they're taking from your life instead of adding to it, they've missed the point of being a family entirely. And lastly, life is like an elevator. Sometimes people get off when you don't expect them to and it hurts. Sometimes you ride alone for a little while and it feels kind of weird. But don't ever be afraid to ask someone to get the hell off your elevator. If they're in it, rocking it back and forth going, I never said that, that never happened, that's dangerous. And just hit that emergency break and say, please get off. And don't be surprised when it's your mom. It's okay. She's just a person who gave birth to you. You're doing great. I'm proud of you, you should be proud of yourself. I love you, bye.