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OPEN-RESIDENCY
THE WORD
THE FBI
BANNED
One word triggers defensiveness in every country, every culture, every age group.
The FBI banned it in hostage negotiations.
You're using it 20 times a day without
noticing. It's killing your meetings.
OR-
Chris Voss spent 24 years negotiating with
kidnappers, terrorists, and bank robbers.
One word made every bad guy on earth
explode. That exact same word makes your
team shut down in meetings.
OR-
The word is "why."
"Why did you do that?"
"Why is this late?"
"Why are you asking?"
It feels neutral to you. It
lands as an accusation on
them. Voss traced it back to
childhood. Every kid hears
"why did you do that?"
right after they screw up.
The word never recovers.
OR-
The fix:
Swap "why" for "what" or "how."
"What's getting in the way of this?"
"What made you ask?"
"How did we end up here?"
Same answer. Zero defensiveness.
They start solving it with you instead of
defending against you.
OR-
Your direct report
missed a deadline?
Don't say:
"Why didn't you finish?"
Say:
"What got in the way?"
You'll get the real
answer the first time