my mom gave me up at 5 years old all because of my race that she created

And another thing that was really hard growing up in a racist family was my mother. And I didn't realize that she fetishized black men, but hated me. And I was like, why would you get with a black man if you don't want a black child? And she used to call me negro and like, just always like I wasn't pretty as my sister. I wasn't my sister. And she made that very clear from just about the moment I was born. It's like, I'm not my sister. And my sister is also multiracial, but she just came out very light. Like she's Puerto Rican, white, and black. And she just came out lighter. Like she was extremely, extremely light, had colored eyes, had that beautiful hair that was like, nice and soft, you know, whatever. And then there was me. And when my mom left me at five, her reasoning was she just didn't like my cheekbones. She didn't like my skin color. My hair was too hard to manage. I was too hard to manage. Um, and then I went back in her custody when I was 10, and I was always aggressive and I had behavioral issues and there's just something wrong with me. And I'll never forget, I was dating this, I was in eighth grade and I was dating this little black boy and he had a cousin who had this massive afro. Like it was like crazy huge, like it was really cool. But there was a day that she picked me up and she was pissed drunk and she came inside and she was chasing this boy around downstairs. Like I mean like they were running and like cuz she was trying to grab his hair and touch it. And he was like, get away from me, like you crazy fucking woman. And I was so embarrassed and I was just watching and I was like, I don't know what's going on. And my boyfriend was looking at me kind of like, this is what you live with? And I was like, is this not normal? Like, and there were so many things about my life that just weren't normal. Uh, and I grew up feeling very ugly and very much like I hated my skin, I hated my eye color. Like it was just my eyes are black, like my I'm skin is black, like I'm just ugly. And it took until my mom passed away for me to start feeling beautiful. And that's when I was like 23. And she would always tell me like I was this special kind of black girl. And she would always tell me like, I'm glad you're not like the other black girls. Like, my daughter holds herself up with class. Like, and just being weird and she'd post that on Facebook and tag me in it. And I wouldn't ever say anything. I was just kind of like, what is like cuz me and my mom like, we ended up just like not like talking. Like I didn't talk to my mom after I was like 19, cuz she just bounced on me one day when we were living together and I was like paying all the bills basically. And I just realized how disposable I was to her and how disposable she sees like black men, cuz she would hit on them and love them and like always want to touch on their like hair and just be super weird when it came to her daughter, like cuz she'd be like, oh, I have a black daughter. Oh, I have a black daughter. Like she was one of those moms. But when it came down to loving me, she didn't. And it was just it's such a weird experience and it's so weird growing up in a family that doesn't want you and doesn't understand what they did. Like my mom didn't understand like when like I don't I still don't get to this day. I'm like, you mess around with a black man, you're going to have a biracial child. That's what happens. And I thought she was I was going to be like that, you know, that certain type of light skin like girl and I just wasn't. And like I understand now that I am fairly light. Like I get like I understand now. Like I did post the video and people are like, you're mixed, you're mixed. I'm saying you're black. And I was like, okay, like chill out. I don't even I don't know what I am and I'm freaking out all the time. Leave me be. Like let me have a sense of something. Sense of some kind of culture. And that's just how I was growing up. I mean, it's super weird and I struggle with it now. I'm a 27-year-old woman, I'm still very confused all the time.