losing two people the same way is so hard

It's always so weird when I tell people that both my mom and my sister killed themselves. And it wasn't just like a normal death like an accident or you know they were terminally ill. Like I'll never forget the time I was working at Vans and I have like this tattoo on my arm and it's like my sister's, oh you can't even see it. Okay you still can't see it but I have my arm sticking straight out. Anyway it's just like my sister's writing and a date and this woman looked down at my arm and she was with her daughter and she was like who died? And her daughter literally looked at her and was like oh my and I was like oh my sister. And I just you know continued to pack up their stuff and you know put it in a bag and she was like how did she die? And then I had to be like she killed herself. Like she ran into a semi truck like what else you want me to say? I was like 18. I was like 18, 19 years old and it always just blows my mind like and that was one moment I realized like not many people go through that. And not only did I lose my sister but then I ended up losing my mom and I was like 22 or 23. And it's one of those things where sometimes I wish they would have just died in a normal way but obviously like you can't control that. You can't control what other people want to do but it always breaks my heart and I feel so alone and so like it's hard to find people to relate to because it's just like they didn't want to be here anymore and I put a lot of that guilt on myself sometimes but it's just so weird. It's such a like I can't even describe it.