I was diagnosed with type 2 bipolar disorder really late in life, and there was a lot of things that I didn't know were not normal until I started seeing a psychiatrist. And I was like, oh, like not everyone feels that way, like not everyone acts like that. Like, the number one thing that I didn't realize that was happening to me was hypermania. And when you go into a really happy mood and you're like, mind is racing, you're talking really fast, like everything feels great, you're bouncing from like idea to idea and like everything just feels like almost like euphoric. Like it feels like a head high. And then you just crash and it's over and you're like, okay, like what the fuck? Like on to the next thing. Like, you're not happy anymore is what it feels like. And I didn't realize until I was talking about it with my psychiatrist that that's what it was. I thought I was just getting tired. Like I thought I would just really work myself up and do all these things and then just get tired. And another big thing that I didn't realize was like hyperfixations. Like I would be bouncing from like, I'm going to like going to buy a guitar and do all these things and become like a fucking like in a musician, like a in a band. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. And then I would do like water coloring and then I want to do this and that and then maybe like I was going to try this or maybe I'd want a business or like all these different things. And you actually invest in it and then you don't do anything with it. And that was like a big thing where I was like, oh, like I thought I just didn't have motivation, but it was something else. And another really big thing is like my relationships. Like I didn't realize like, because I thought I just like to keep a small circle, girl. I was like, I like to keep my circle tight. Like I like just like a friend or two. Um, but the reality of it is I can't get close to people and there'd be a lot of people who'd want to be my friend and want to get close or like want to start texting, hanging out and all these things. And I would and then I would get scared after a while and then I'm like, okay, like we can't be friends like at all. Like I can't like text all the time. I can't like hang out. Or if I'd like be in a really good relationship with someone and like want to be friends, if they did one wrong thing that hurt my feelings, I would just want to cut off friendship. And that's what I've done. Like sadly, like if one thing happens where I'm like, okay, I really don't like that, I'm completely done and I don't want to work it out and I don't want to talk about it. And I just completely like, move on. And I really don't like like even when people try to get close with me and like want to, like I'm a really open person and I really love to talk and like I'll get close to people but not in a way where it's like are our lives are like intertwined. Like I keep it very separate and it's very weird not to explain. But like that's something I've done for a really long time that I didn't realize was like not just having a small circle. Um, because that's what I thought it was. And another big thing is like when you are in love with yourself one minute and then you hate yourself the next. And this is like I'm talking about in minutes. Like there'll be times where I'm like, oh, like I'm beautiful, I love myself. I'm like, I've been through so much, I've gone through so much, like I'm proud of everything I've done. And then I'll switch. I'll be like, I'm an ugly fucking rat. I'm an ugly fucking rat, loser bitch. Like, please, like it's so weird. It's such a weird thing to experience because I'll go from like loving myself to hating myself, all within a span of a few minutes. And sometimes it'll be like half the day I love myself, half the day I hate myself. Maybe one day I love myself, next day I hate myself. It's all over the fucking place. And I thought it was just low self, you know, low self-confidence. But I don't think that's what it was. And I'm also talking fast as hell right now. Um, and then the last thing that I think is so big that like you should pay attention to is if someone that you love is saying that they think that you're bipolar and they're being affected by your mood. And I don't mean like if someone's being like malicious and being like, you're bipolar, like because I think that gets thrown out like way too much. But I truly think if someone in your life close to you, like my fiance would be like, hey, I think you're bipolar. Like sometimes I would just freak out about a situation or deal with things a certain way and he'd be like, oh, like I think there's something wrong here. And I'd be like, no, like you don't fucking get it. And now looking back, it's like, oh, I'm bipolar. And he saw that, because you can't hide it. So, I don't know, that's just kind of my experience with it, but yeah, I didn't know for a long time.
