PSA for parents: your child needs consequences AND compassion

@kendraworth

303.7K followers · usually 13.0K views a post

Views

304.8K

Likes

32.3K

Comments

441

2.1K

SoundTikTok sound · original sound - kendraworth

Why it worked

The video resonated with parents by offering practical, empathetic advice on child discipline, addressing a common struggle with emotional regulation and consequences in a relatable, personal narrative.

Summary

A parent shares a personal experience of disciplining their child after the child hit and kicked their sibling. The parent explains the importance of remaining calm and compassionate, offering emotional support rather than withdrawing affection, and setting firm boundaries. The video highlights the child's struggle with emotional regulation and the parent's approach to teaching consequences and empathy.

Structure

1Child hits sibling, parent intervenes
2Parent takes child for a 'time in'
3Parent explains consequences and the importance of co-regulation
4Child expresses frustration and inability to regulate
5Parent offers comfort and explains the reasoning behind discipline
6Child verbalizes difficulty managing emotions, parent offers to continue the conversation

Call to action

Follow for part 2 of our convo about what she can do when she's feeling that way

On-screen text

PSA for parents: your child needs consequences AND compassion Right before this, my 3.5 YO hit & kicked her 5.5 YO sister 3.5 YO crying & screaming & trying to hit I got involved and gave her a chance to be gentle, but she immediately hit her again You cannot hit me 3.5 YO: continuing to scream You can be upset. You can't hit. So I picked her up, put on a show for her sisters, and took her to the guest room for a "time in" with me Next, I sat on the bed as an invitation to cuddle & calm down while she tested the boundary again, but I held firm 3.5 YO: a show? *bracing for impact* No. 3.5 YO *scream crying* We NEED to remain calm & present when our children are melting down 3.5 YO *scream crying* Think of yourself as the water 💧 on their fire 🔥 Your calm & regulated energy will put that fire out much faster than matching their fire or ignoring them 3.5 YO: I want a show!! Would you like to sit next to me to calm down? 3.5 YO: I want a show!! I will NEVER give in to tantrums or accept VIOLENT behavior, but I will ALWAYS give my children love & emotional support Show is not happening. That's absolutely off the table. That's definitely not an option. But the other option is to sit with me and calm down. Still testing me 3.5 YO: I want a show!! So I validated and empathized without giving in I understand you want a show Do you get a show when this is the behavior you're showing? And then I started to talk to her about WHY she couldn't watch the show Hitting? Does that earn shows? No. So is that a good idea? Should I give you a show if you've been hitting and kicking? And she clearly understood the reasons she needed a consequence 3.5 YO: No!! No, I shouldn't. Would I be a good mommy if you hit and kicked and then I let you watch TV and I gave you, like, a reward or present? 3.5 YO: No It seemed like she accepted the boundary, so I offered help to calm down again Come sit with me if you wanna calm down 3.5 YO: still crying She's FINALLY ready to come to me for help after 2 full minutes of crying 😭 3.5 YO: still crying So many parents withdraw affection as part of their consequence 3.5 YO: still crying But that is ineffective & damaging for 2 reasons.... Can I put your legs up like this? 1. Your child CANNOT truly regulate because their brains require co-regulation from a calm adult until around age 9 It's kinda like when you were a baby & I would rock you like a baby, right? 3.5 YO: mmhmm And 2. Your child is unable to focus on the actual lesson you're trying to teach Calm down Because now their cognitive resources have been hijacked by the RELATIONAL DISTRESS they are feeling It's gonna be okay. We can't always get what we want. crying starts again Which is their fear that the relationship with their parent is irreparably broken & their parent may no longer love them crying starts again Shhh. We'll talk once you're calm 3.5 YO: It won't go away if we stop fighting My children are able to listen & digest the lesson because I remain connected & unconditionally loving during discipline Well, no. Sometimes there's consequences. And now I gave you a chance to be kinder and touch gently and not hit. And then you did it again after we just talked about it. So we're done. We're done with the 3.5 YO: I want a show! I'm not trying to distract my kids from their feelings or the reality of the situation.... I know you want a show, I know But you're not getting one. You're hitting & kicking I'm trying to support them THROUGH those feelings until they get to the other side & truly ACCEPT the boundary It's very hard to not get what we want I know. Just lay down. I give a lot of deep pressure squeezes, rubs, and speak slowly & quietly to calm her nervous system I know you want that. I understand, but mommy has to do what's right because I love you. And I always explain that I am disciplining her because I LOVE her and care about her future And do I want you to be a grown up who hits and kicks people? So when do you have to learn that? How old do you have to be when you learn not to hit and kick? 3.5 YO: ummm...I don't know You need to be a kid. Now. Now is when you learn not to hit or kick your sisters I was so proud of her for being able to verbalize that to me 3.5 YO: I just don't know what to do when I'm mad and sad 😭 You don't know what to do when you're mad and sad? Thank you for telling me. Follow for part 2 of our convo about what she can do when she's feeling that way ",

Original caption

Discipline can feel so complicated sometimes, but it comes down to being firm AND kind. I consider myself very strict because I am extremely consistent in my discipline, but I NEVER withdraw my love, support, and attention as part of that. Withdrawing your love communicates rejection and shame, as well as taking away the tools your child has to truly regulate: a calm & connected adult. I want my lesson to land every time I discipline my child instead of their focus shifting to their anger toward me, their intense feelings of rejection/shame, or rage toward the person they hurt for “getting them in trouble.” Instead of “time outs”, I give “time ins” where I stay WITH my kids to help them calm down and process. The problem with that is that if I’m on my own, my kids who didn’t do anything wrong have to be left alone. So in those instances, they get to watch a show (we’re a very low screens family btw) while I go in the other room with whoever needs a “time in.” This has been especially effective for my middle because she has to deal with the consequence of not getting to watch a show on top of being separated from her siblings. We have also instituted “earning” one show at the end of the day if she doesn’t hit or kick at al and I’ve seen a huge decline in this behavior once we started this consequence (the video is a month old) and she has only hit once since then. My middle (seen here) has always struggled to speak when she is overly emotional, which is why she hits & kicks when she’s overwhelmed. To be clear, she only hits her older sibling (never her younger her one) and she has NEVER hit me, my husband, or other children. Sibling hitting is extremely normal and peaks around 2-3 years old, then drops significantly between 3-4 years old, and should stop around 5 years old with consistent discipline & once a child has better language access under stress & better impulse control. The fact that she hits is NOT an indication that my approach doesn’t work or that I should start hitting her to make it stop. It is working & she has gradually hit less & less ever since she started at 2 YO, and I am sure that she is almost done with it completely. Every child has a different temperament and my older daughter never had any issues with hitting, despite being raised in the same way as her younger sister. I am so proud of the progress my 3.5 YO has made and I’m so happy I never had to undermine her trust in me or our connection to get here 💗 Because discipline SHOULD be based in love & connection if you want it to actually work in the long-term. Make sure to follow me for a part 2 of our conversation and for all things gentle parenting & no-tears sleep training. Head to hhsleep.com or the 🔗 in my bio to get my Taming Tantrums Mini Guide for just $5! #momtok #discipline #parenting #reallife #momshelpingmoms Coregulation How to stop a tantrum How to discipline a child Parenting advice Gentle parenting Controversial parenting Mom moments Sibling hitting Consequences

More from @kendraworth

More breakout videos from this creator.

Transcript

Right before this, my 3.5 YO hit & kicked her 5.5 YO sister 3.5 YO crying & screaming & trying to hit I got involved and gave her a chance to be gentle, but she immediately hit her again You cannot hit me 3.5 YO: continuing to scream You can be upset. You can't hit. So I picked her up, put on a show for her sisters, and took her to the guest room for a "time in" with me Next, I sat on the bed as an invitation to cuddle & calm down while she tested the boundary again, but I held firm 3.5 YO: a show? *bracing for impact* No. 3.5 YO *scream crying* We NEED to remain calm & present when our children are melting down 3.5 YO *scream crying* Think of yourself as the water 💧 on their fire 🔥 Your calm & regulated energy will put that fire out much faster than matching their fire or ignoring them 3.5 YO: I want a show!! Would you like to sit next to me to calm down? 3.5 YO: I want a show!! I will NEVER give in to tantrums or accept VIOLENT behavior, but I will ALWAYS give my children love & emotional support Show is not happening. That's absolutely off the table. That's definitely not an option. But the other option is to sit with me and calm down. Still testing me 3.5 YO: I want a show!! So I validated and empathized without giving in I understand you want a show Do you get a show when this is the behavior you're showing? And then I started to talk to her about WHY she couldn't watch the show Hitting? Does that earn shows? No. So is that a good idea? Should I give you a show if you've been hitting and kicking? And she clearly understood the reasons she needed a consequence 3.5 YO: No!! No, I shouldn't. Would I be a good mommy if you hit and kicked and then I let you watch TV and I gave you, like, a reward or present? 3.5 YO: No It seemed like she accepted the boundary, so I offered help to calm down again Come sit with me if you wanna calm down 3.5 YO: still crying She's FINALLY ready to come to me for help after 2 full minutes of crying 😭 3.5 YO: still crying So many parents withdraw affection as part of their consequence 3.5 YO: still crying But that is ineffective & damaging for 2 reasons.... Can I put your legs up like this? 1. Your child CANNOT truly regulate because their brains require co-regulation from a calm adult until around age 9 It's kinda like when you were a baby & I would rock you like a baby, right? 3.5 YO: mmhmm And 2. Your child is unable to focus on the actual lesson you're trying to teach Calm down Because now their cognitive resources have been hijacked by the RELATIONAL DISTRESS they are feeling It's gonna be okay. We can't always get what we want. crying starts again Which is their fear that the relationship with their parent is irreparably broken & their parent may no longer love them crying starts again Shhh. We'll talk once you're calm 3.5 YO: It won't go away if we stop fighting My children are able to listen & digest the lesson because I remain connected & unconditionally loving during discipline Well, no. Sometimes there's consequences. And now I gave you a chance to be kinder and touch gently and not hit. And then you did it again after we just talked about it. So we're done. We're done with the 3.5 YO: I want a show! I'm not trying to distract my kids from their feelings or the reality of the situation.... I know you want a show, I know But you're not getting one. You're hitting & kicking I'm trying to support them THROUGH those feelings until they get to the other side & truly ACCEPT the boundary It's very hard to not get what we want I know. Just lay down. I give a lot of deep pressure squeezes, rubs, and speak slowly & quietly to calm her nervous system I know you want that. I understand, but mommy has to do what's right because I love you. And I always explain that I am disciplining her because I LOVE her and care about her future And do I want you to be a grown up who hits and kicks people? So when do you have to learn that? How old do you have to be when you learn not to hit and kick? 3.5 YO: ummm...I don't know You need to be a kid. Now. Now is when you learn not to hit or kick your sisters I was so proud of her for being able to verbalize that to me 3.5 YO: I just don't know what to do when I'm mad and sad 😭 You don't know what to do when you're mad and sad? Thank you for telling me. Follow for part 2 of our convo about what she can do when she's feeling that way