Your child is disrespectful because of YOU

If you are regularly asking yourself why are my kids so whiny? Why are my kids so rude? Why are my kids so disrespectful? Then it is time for some serious self-reflection. Because one of two things or a combination of both is probably happening. One, you are unintentionally reinforcing a rude or whiny tone by always giving your child what they want when they ask that way. Or two, you are actually modeling disrespectful communication and YOU are always demanding things from them in a rude tone. I have very polite kids and it didn't happen by accident. It came from years of consistency and positive reinforcement for speaking to me politely and also modeling polite and respectful communication to them whenever I told them that they needed to do something. So how do I gently correct my kids? First of all, I start when they are first communicating to me. So that's when they are first speaking and first whining for things. Found 12 months old. Obviously, I'm gonna have developmentally appropriate expectations, so I don't expect my 12 month old to speak in a full sentence. They have to use some kind of polite sign language or any attempt at talking that is pleasant and not whiny. You can't tell young toddlers "ask nicely" or "use your words" because they don't have the words. They don't know what to do so we have to give them the script and model it for them. First, I identify what they want. So if they're trying to get milk, I would say, "Oh, you want the milk?" Say "milk, please." And then if they do what I asked, I give them the milk. Because giving a child their objective is the most positively reinforcing thing you can do. And even though they started off whining and being rude, as long as I didn't hand them what they wanted right then, and I made them correct it first, now I am positively reinforcing asking nicely versus reinforcing asking in a rude way. Over time, they learn that it's actually double the work to ask in a rude way, so they might as well ask nicely the first time. And what does modeling polite communication look like? I'm not rude when I tell my kids what to do. I say, "throw away your trash, please." "Pick up your shoes, please." And I speak to them with respect because that's going to be reflected back to me, and it really is monkey see, monkey do. If that is all they are hearing from you, that's what they're gonna copy. Now, this is not going to work overnight. Toddlers and young children whine when their frontal lobe is at capacity and they move to the back part of their brain, which is the emotional/reactive part. Your job is to help them move back into the frontal lobe and learn that whining doesn't work to get them what they want. And you don't need to be harsh about it. You don't need to shame them for whining. It's a totally normal behavior. It's just something that you can't reward. Once your child leaves the toddler stage and is around five, if you have done this consistently, they will be extremely polite communicators. My 5.5 year old is so sweet and so pleasant, and my 3.5 year old is getting there more and more every single day. My 1.5 year old is just starting to learn this, but she's already more polite and communicative than most other 21 month olds. Now if you've already underestimated your toddler and you have made the mistake of unintentionally reinforcing the whining and the yelling for years. It's gonna take quite a while to undo that. Have realistic expectations and know that it is not going to change overnight. But their attitude and behavior is going to transform if you just stay consistent. And in case you're confused, this is gentle parenting, right? I have very strict boundaries, I have very high expectations. But I do it in a way that is not punitive. It's not shame based. It's very encouraging and respectful, rather than being discouraging and disrespectful. Make sure to follow me for all things gentle parenting and no-tears sleep training. And you can head to the link in my bio or hhsleep.com for more resources!